


The time that Icarus kissed the sun

by starlight_and_sunshine



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, Crowley Has Issues (Good Omens), Crowley has Trauma from the Fall (Good Omens), Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst, M/M, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 15:53:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21940732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlight_and_sunshine/pseuds/starlight_and_sunshine
Summary: Last time he had doubts, it didn't end well. Last time he had doubts, it had been a total disaster.Last time he had doubts, he had lost everything he held dear. Crowley is starting to have doubts again, but in order to deal with them he first has to adress that they are there.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 31





	The time that Icarus kissed the sun

**Author's Note:**

> This work if a gift for the Secret Santa exchange 2019- Other countries for @Poisontip1. I hope you like it dear, i tried to go for the character study angle! Merry Xmas!

That day was a nice day, as all the days had been since the Not Apocalypse had happened. And ever since the Exchange the sun had glowed bright in the sky, not even a cloud on sight. Granted, there had only passed a few months since the Not Apocalypse (which he and Aziraphale had started referring as "the incident", as Aziraphale had advised against talking about the not-so-quite-the-end-of-the-times in front of anyone not directly involved in the affair after the third time the police got called by a customer), but Crowley couldn't shake off the feeling that Adam had reseted the world to a larger extent, to a time before apple trees that contained the secrets of good and evil and flaming swords that were given away markedthe beginning of a new life.

In some way, this was also the beginning of a new life, but Crowley wasn't as excited for this one as much as he was for the last one. Unfortunately, Adam couldn't reset everything as it was at the beginning, and as clear as his head was the first time the beginning was marked, this time it was plagued with doubt. And he didn't liked the doubt, he despised it like the bad omen it was, and the last weeks had been spent trying to chase it away. But all his efforts had been in vain.

In the spawn of three weeks Crowley had tried all sort of tasks: baking, crochet, rearranging his CD's collections four times, and even given a try to rearrange Aziraphale book collection, which he had to quit immediately after seeing Aziraphale face at his efforts (not a nice one). But nothing had worked, the doubts stayed there, like ill spirits haunting him. And it was starting to bother him to no end, he could feel the fear shaking his bones and clutching his chest every time it became clear that the doubts weren't going anywhere.

Last time he had doubts, it didn't end well. Last time he had doubts, it had been a total disaster. Last time he had doubts, he had lost everything he held dear.

And that was why he had spent the last week lying on the terrarium Aziraphale had built for him next to the big window of the bookshop in his snake form. A simple and clean explanation, nothing to be worried about. But trying explaining that to Aziraphale was useless.

"Crowley, my dear... what's wrong? It's something bothering you? You have been like this all week, and I'm really concerned for your well being…" and he had been like that all day.

At first he had tried to dissuade him telling him that everything was fine, that he was just tired, that he just needed a vacation. But Aziraphale kept insisting, and he runned out of excuses quickly. Then he tried the tactic of mocking Aziraphale until he left him alone, but he'll be damned, Aziraphale knew him to well to fall for that one. He was currently on the stage of "The silent treatment until you leave me alone", but was about to crack under the pressure and the sound of Aziraphale's sweet voice, which was getting sadder by the minute. A big problem, considering this was his last strategy before having to address the problem directly, and he _really_ didn't wanted to do that. Too much work, he kept telling himself.

"Was it something i did to make you feel…"

No, please not that. He couldn't make Aziraphale feel guilty. That was the finalstraw in the silent treatment strategy".

"Angel, it wasn't something you did, you have done me no wrong, trust me. I swear to you, for the thousand time, I'm just tired, so just _pleeease~_ let me rest". Aha! He hadn't thought on playing the pleading card, and he was sure that would dissued Aziraphale from asking questions. Somehow he was back on the "Please just leave me alone with my sad thoughts" game.

"No".

Okay, that was… a new move on their tango. Aziraphale usually let the issue be after he played three cards.

"Excuse me?".

"No Crowley, I'm not letting it be, as you sure are expecting me to do. This is not okay, YOU are not okay. This is not your usual laziness, you are sad Crowley. I know you, this week you haven't been sleeping, you have been staring into the void thinking in God knows what".

Crowley had being the entire conversation facing the window, but the sudden mention of her made him make a fast turn to face Aziraphale.

"Angel, don't bring her into this" the her was delivered with a bitter echo to it, but Crowley was starting to get mad and he didn't care. The last thing he needed was _The Freaking All Mighty_ noticing his _Little Problem_.

Aziraphale raised both eyebrows at his harsh tone and to the sudden change of attitude, and put his hands on his chest, twitching them nervously.

"... This is about her or related to her isn't it?".

Aziraphale was giving him the scolded puppy eyes.

Crowley sighed, resing to his fate. As always, Aziraphale had hit direct on the target, and once again he found himself unable to deny anything to Aziraphale's pleading eyes. He slid out of the terrarium, lazaly, taking his time. When he found himself out, he turned back into human form, as he found it easier to discuss with Aziraphale this way. He seated next to the terrarium, legs crossed and making sure to keep on the shoes, just to spite Aziraphale.

"Look Angel… this is about her and this isn't about her".

"Crowley, I'm afraid I don't quite understand".

He passed his hands over his face, starting to feel the beginning of a headache in his temples and little pain in his chest.

"She… started it. A long time ago, with the fucking Fa- expect it wasn't her fault, but in a way it was?? Go- Sat-, Agh, stupid fate and stupid ineffable plan or whatever!".

He letted himself slide of the table, and layed down on the floor, putting both of his arms over his face in an effort to keep it together and not start crying in Aziraphale's lap. This is why he usually didn't addressed the turmoil inside of him. He was weak, and a coward and didn't wanted to face all of his life's mistakes.

He heard Aziraphale sit down next to him in the floor, and then felt Aziraphale's warm hands on his hair as he putted his head on his lap.

"... Crowley, why did you fall?".

Ah, there it was, the piece de resistance in the collection of "Things Crowley has royally screwed up", the most feared question. Indeed, why did he fell?

He remembered the Fall like it was yesterday, it was a constant thought that plaged his mind. The pain, the burns, the empty stomach. No one ever talks about the empty stomach. And the blinding light that burned into his corneas, abrasing him, killing him. Rejecting him. All for a stupid mistake.

"I just hung around the wrong people, I guess".

Aziraphale started petting his hair.

"You always say that, but I never know what you mean. Gabriel will burn me alive if he heard me saying this, but the few times I have seen Beelzebub they seemed nice enough".

Crowley sighed and started looking for the right words.

"It's not like that. And they will ripped my guts if they can hear me now, but Beelzebub used to be the nicest of us all. They were so sweet, you couldn't believe it".

The hand that Aziraphale has on his head starts stroking his hair fondly, playing with the tips of the short red locks of hair, and tracing tiny circles in his scalp. The need to cry slowly starts to fade away.

"I actually can Crowley. I remember that one time Beel tried to make me feel better after a strong scold of Uriel, and you…"

He can't let him continue. The urge to cry comes back and he needs to sit down and breath, and so he does.

"I was a fool. I started attending the secret meetings that Lucifer held, and actually listening to what he was saying. And then I started to doubt… and with the doubts came more doubts and I needed answers so badly, and then I asked Her and…" everything went to shit. He lost everything and he ended up ugly, lonely and a loser.

"CROWLEY, PLEASE DON'T SAID THAT!!".

He hadn't realise that he had said that last part out loud. Or that he had started crying for real. And since when Aziraphale had his face between his hands and was whipping his tears? Too much information to take in. He closes his eyes and puts his forehead against  
Aziraphale's forehead.

"I wish I could allow myself one more question".

"You can have all the questions that you want my dear".

Crowley scoffed.

"Why? Why did She let this happen?".

Aziraphale cupped his cheek with his palm and took a deep breath.

"I wish I could answer that one my dear".

"I wasn't expecting you to. In fact, I wish I were more like you. Never a doubt, always so  
sure".

Aziraphale lowered his hands to his shoulders, and then he grabbed him firmly and pushed him away gently, without the intent to hurt. And he looked him directly into the eyes. Crowley hadn't noticed that this whole time he wasn't wearing his sunglasses, which rested on the top of Aziraphale's reading table.

"And I wish I had fallen with you back then".

Wait, what?

A shy smile appeared in Aziraphale's lips.

"If you fell for doubting… then I wish I had doubt sooner".

"But Angel! You don't get it" Crowley tried to shake off Aziraphale, but his hands stayed in his shoulders, firmly holding him there. "Aziraphale… I'm still doubting, I'm doubting this. And I don't want to".

"And that's okay".

"Huh?".

"Crowley" A single tear rolled on Aziraphale's cheek. "It's okay to doubt. You know why? Because that means that it's you, that you are still my Crowley, my nice demon that fights with sword and flames for his free will".

His chest started contracting and his hand shaking, as he starts sobbing. He wanted to scream to Aziraphale, tell him to shut up, that he wasn't nice… but he couldn't. Not with his chest about to explode with all this love, and heat and loneliness. Aziraphale embraced him, nearly crushing him with the force of his arms. Crowley always forgot how strong his Angel was. The he felt Aziraphale's mouth against his ear.

"I know I can't erase years and years of sadness with one hug. But I want to try, to try to work it with you I mean. And I'm ready to work my own emotional baggage. For me, for you, for my well being".

Crowley didn't said anything, he just stayed there. Aziraphale let out a silly giggle.

"Want to know something silly?"

Crowley nodded against his neck.

"I like to believe it was destiny. Us meeting that day on the garden. It's silly and totally against the point, but the thought comforts me".

Destiny is a heavy word to be used. Was it his destiny, the fact that he fell? Crowley wasn't sure, and he didn't wanted to believe so. Thousands of years ago he would have curse the fates and God herself, but now… he found a strange comfort in believing it was his own choice to fall. But he also found comfort in the thought that Aziraphale was his destiny. Did that made him a hypocrite? He didn't care, and it was his choice to believe that both things could coexist.

"Destiny is a nice thought indeed".

Aziraphale buried his face in his neck and took a deep breath.

"... And Crowley?".

"Yes Angel?".

"I still think you are a delight to the sight".

Crowley's chest tightened with fondness for Aziraphale, and a lump formed in his throat.

Of course Aziraphale was going to say something like that.

"Thanks Angel."

And he meant it. And he was glad that this time the sun warmed him and didn't burned him when he touched it.

**Author's Note:**

> Haha get it? Because the sun is a metaphor for the acceptance and love he needs, and now I see it was way too pretencius, I'll see myself out.


End file.
